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Give Me Love

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 Give Me Love

It is not something I long for

I tell this to myself every night

This mantra and vow, I have kept

Resolute and unwavering, I would hold out

I live and breathe as the rest without it

And so, I do not need it.

 

Yes, my nights are lonely and sometimes sad

I dive into fantasy and drown out my thoughts in fiction

I live out hours and even years in the shoes of my favourite characters

I bring them to life in my mind and bask in the love they feel for each other

Even if for a moment, to me, It is real.

If fantasy and fiction can give it to me

That is enough. In reality, I do not need it.

 

And yet the feeling of warmth, comfort, and belonging that I desire persists

It gnaws at me just before I sleep

It runs rampant in my mind and rampages through my heart

I feel the absence of the very thing I wish to deny

It is a void, deep and immeasurable. It does not look back

It establishes its presence and dominance even as I am without it

The sleep that comes is a welcome escape

I do not need love and yet its absence is unbearable.

 

I will concede. This mantra and vow I have kept is a lie

The truth is, it is something I long for with all my being

I yearn for it, from the depths of my soul

I know it is my centering flame

My home, my place of solace, and where I most truly exist

The pieces of it I have given out have never come back

Even as they left, they did not give them back

Even as they took back theirs, they did not give mine back

 

I wonder if the love you will give can fill it

I have been afraid to try, and I have hidden for quite a bit

And now there’s a new thread of hope

I will grab on, fearful as I am

I will try again now that you have come

I will break my vow and make one anew, with you

If you give me love

Then surely, even from the void, I will look back

And love you, also.

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